Which Comic Characters Would Survive (and Thrive During) a Shift in The Pitt?
Not everyone can handle The Pitt, and that’s true if you’re talking about working in the fictional Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Center’s emergency room — where stress is high, patients are endless, and your work is always under the microscope — or the HBO Max show itself. It’s a lot, with each episode being filled with gruesome injuries, intense stories, and anxiety-inducing turns, to say nothing of the constant interpersonal drama.
I love it, though. It’s my favorite show going today, and I honestly cannot get enough of it, to the point I once joked 47 to my wife that I would happily watch a The Truman Show-style channel just constantly covers the events that take place within its walls (and sometimes outside of them). Every character is memorable, complicated, talented, flawed, a mess, and totally perfect, 48 and I truly cannot get enough of them as they navigate an array of scenarios I hope I never find myself in. 49
But because I’m me, and because I cannot help but combine things I love, I naturally started to wonder, “Which comic characters would survive a shift at The Pitt? Or even thrive during one?” It’s what I do, and, of course, this concept quickly took on a life of its own, as I dove into this thought experiment to the degree it was clear that it had to be an article, one where characters are organized into tiers based on how effective they’d be at working in The Pitt as a medical professional.
That’s what we’ll be looking at today, but before we do, I need to set the ground rules for this exercise, as I needed those to help define the tiers everyone will be placed in.
- Every other cast member stays the same: This is like that hypothetical where you take a movie and replace every other cast member besides one with Muppets, except inverted, as every other The Pitt cast member (from season two) is the same except you add one comic-related character to the mix and hope everything doesn’t explode.
- No medical doctors are allowed: With apologies to actually effective comic doctors like Dr. Cecilia Reyes and Dr. Leslie Thompkins, including them would be cheating. Characters with doctorates can be included, they just cannot be medically focused.
- In-universe knowledge is not a factor: We’re going to assume everyone involved is educated and qualified enough to work a shift in The Pitt, even if they aren’t in the comics.
- Patient Satisfaction Scores matter: Not to channel the Chief Medical Officer of The Pitt, Gloria, but you have to keep those Patient Satisfaction Scores up! Bedside manners are important so, uh, some might prove to be questionable fits for that reason.
- Interpersonal relationships matter: Similarly to Patient Satisfaction Scores, maintaining solid relationships with your peers is important, even if they don’t always have to be perfect — as Dr. Robby repeatedly proves during season two.
- Powers can be used: Unlike many of my other thought experiments, there are no limits on powers here. That said, not every power is that useful in a hospital environment, especially when they’re used without care.
That’s it! Those were my guiding lights as I put these tiers together. Let’s get to the rankings, which start with the characters who would have the toughest time making it through a shift in The Pitt.
F-Tier Physician: Let’s Find You Another Career!
Some medical professionals thrive when they take on an emergency room environment. They face the stress with grace, they handle patients with care, and they manage it all without losing themselves in the process. Those are the truly great doctors.
These are not those people. These characters are going to need to go back to school or find a different direction for themselves because they are not The Pitt material. Like, as a medical examiner, but only after you explain to them that they’re not allowed to be the reason people end up in their morgue.
Examples from This Class: Sabretooth; Violator; Stryfe; Carnage; Venom; Doomsday; Really anyone that is a villain from the 1990s or has a generally ’90s energy to them; 50 Sinestro; Jason Todd; All the Runaways (except one); The Thing; 51 Grey Gargoyle; Harley Quinn; Lobo; Adam-X the X-Treme; 52 Red Hulk; Grifter; Thragg; Jeff the Land Shark; Pretty much every character from Ed Brubaker and Sean Phillips’ Criminal; Star-Lord; 53 Spawn; The Punisher; Most vigilante types; Martian Manhunter (Absolute version); Fin Fang Foom; Major Bummer; 54Random; Shredder; Popeye; 55 Any vampire character, besides Blade; But also Blade 56
“Best” in Class: Impulse
Picking a villain here would have been too easy. Most villains would be bad emergency room doctors. Their whole thing is sending people to the ER, not curing their ills while they’re there. Can you imagine trying to explain the Hippocratic Oath to The Joker? It’d be a disaster.
So, in lieu of selecting someone obvious, let’s go with a hero who would be a truly horrendous fit for this job, even if I love the guy. Can you imagine the teenager version of Bart Allen trying to be an emergency room doctor? He is famously easy to distract, he has little appreciation of regular human needs, he looks at the world as a very large interactive video game, and he’s kind of dumb even if he is capable of more. On the plus side, his superspeed would in theory be a huge plus — although the tight and chaotic nature of the space might limit that — and his need to constantly be engaged would possibly be sated by the endless pressure of The Pitt. But as soon as he got bored, he’d leave and never come back, and if he stays…my god, could you imagine his charting? He’d make Santos in season two seem like a god.
All of that would be a major problem! Sorry, Bart! This job’s not for you!
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“Joked.”↩
Besides Ogilvie, and even he’s grown on me.↩
It’s such a potent show that when I was having health problems last year, I kept comparing — in my head and out loud at times — what I was going through to what I saw in the show. It was pretty much exactly like what happens in the show!↩
Could you imagine if you had to go to the ER and Omega Red was your doctor?↩
This is no slander to Ben Grimm but being an ER doctor requires a significant level of dexterity which he does not have due to his literally rocky nature.↩
Beyond the fact that his power is to burn oxygenated blood, which is not great for a doctor, his whole vibe is off-putting. That said, I do like the idea of him introducing himself as Dr. The X-Treme.↩
This might seem like an odd pick, but he’s bit of a selfish buffoon. I also feel like he’d cause problems with the other doctors.↩
He’d have the same problem he has in his comic in that he has everything he needs to be great, it’s just he just doesn’t care, which would be a real challenge for a doctor.↩
This was a name thrown in by Brad Gullickson from Comic Book Couples Counseling Podcast. He’s a tough one because Popeye is generally good natured, but he’s also a bit of a moron and has no clear gifts that would make him a fit. I bet he’d be fun when the staff decides to bet on something though.↩
While the Daywalker would theoretically be a better fit because he could work any shift, I just don’t think he’d care enough and he’d probably tell his coworkers who make mistakes things like, “Motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill,” which is bad for morale.↩
“Joked.”↩
Besides Ogilvie, and even he’s grown on me.↩
It’s such a potent show that when I was having health problems last year, I kept comparing — in my head and out loud at times — what I was going through to what I saw in the show. It was pretty much exactly like what happens in the show!↩
Could you imagine if you had to go to the ER and Omega Red was your doctor?↩
This is no slander to Ben Grimm but being an ER doctor requires a significant level of dexterity which he does not have due to his literally rocky nature.↩
Beyond the fact that his power is to burn oxygenated blood, which is not great for a doctor, his whole vibe is off-putting. That said, I do like the idea of him introducing himself as Dr. The X-Treme.↩
This might seem like an odd pick, but he’s bit of a selfish buffoon. I also feel like he’d cause problems with the other doctors.↩
He’d have the same problem he has in his comic in that he has everything he needs to be great, it’s just he just doesn’t care, which would be a real challenge for a doctor.↩
This was a name thrown in by Brad Gullickson from Comic Book Couples Counseling Podcast. He’s a tough one because Popeye is generally good natured, but he’s also a bit of a moron and has no clear gifts that would make him a fit. I bet he’d be fun when the staff decides to bet on something though.↩
While the Daywalker would theoretically be a better fit because he could work any shift, I just don’t think he’d care enough and he’d probably tell his coworkers who make mistakes things like, “Motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill,” which is bad for morale.↩
If a child with the empathy of a grenade and one of the most abrasive personalities you could ever find came to me and wanted to treat me, I’d tell Doogie Howser I’m out and go to a different hospital, even if I’d have to wait longer to do so.↩
Depending on which version you get, her touch could harm people, even if said touch could help her become a better doctor. That’s a risky proposition for an ER doc.↩
This is Ben Grimm all over again except The Right Hand of Doom could at least be balanced out by having a left hand of a regular guy, albeit a red one. He’d have a great personality for this, though. Hellboy’s a chill dude.↩
Pros: He’s a walking painkiller, as he could in theory use The Word of God to ensure patients feel no pain. Cons: He’d be mean to everyone, I suspect he wouldn’t care to help most people, and he’d probably actively smoke in the ER. He might have a future as an anesthesiologist, though.↩
It’d be hilarious to see him rolling around the ER with a jetpack on his back, though.↩
Tracy’s the one Criminal character who might make it, mostly because he cares, like, 47% about other people and he’s certainly cool under pressure. Maybe too cool, though, as his Patient Satisfaction Scores would be problematic.↩
Great at the job. Terrible with people. He basically is Ogilvie, but with superspeed. God help his patients.↩
This is the one time I am not picking Taskmaster as one of the best at something. While his power set would be perfect for this, his craven, mercenary ways would have a tough time respecting the pay of a medical professional.↩
Every non-medical doctor Doctor lands in this tier, and it’s because each and every one of them is fiercely capable but for one reason or another would be problematic at this job. That said, I would love to see Doctor Manhattan work a shift in The Pitt. What would that be like???↩
Standard caveats of “this character may turn into a giant, unstoppable psionic being that may destroy both the hospital and the planet Earth at any moment” apply.↩
”No more patients,” would briefly be nice but it wouldn’t really solve anyone’s actual problem.↩
”With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility” might as well be a medical motto.↩
The one Runaway that escapes the F-Tier, Victor carries a ton of empathy with him and his powers as a cyborg and practically limitless knowledge base would be hugely useful.↩
Sometimes doctors and patients need a little luck on their side. And if you need a little luck, Domino is for you.↩
Reed should be a S-Tier choice, but his own curiosity could prove problematic. He’d get distracted whenever a bizarre case shows up and Robby would end up yelling at him for spending too much time with one patient. He’d be like Mohan on steroids, and not nearly as defensible.↩
She wouldn’t use AI for charting, though.↩
Also, for the record, I think Dr. Al-Hashimi is a very good doctor and Robby needs to get off her back. I say this before we find out what’s really going on with her freezes in the show.↩
aka the top of food chain.↩
My only real concern would be how a tail would impact the ER, but we know Doreen is good at managing that. Also: Her Patient Satisfaction Scores would be world class.↩
Save for one other, there’s no DC character I’d trust more to help me make it through a health crisis than Diana.↩
I will often discount Superman in these thought experiments because he will fly off to help others if the situation arises, but The Pitt is so busy he wouldn’t be able to. With that weakness averted, he’d be elite.↩
Miles ranking higher than Peter might surprise you, but I just see Miles as more reliable than Peter.↩
A perfect skill and power set for a doctor.↩
Maybe an even more perfect power set for a doctor.↩
Thanks to his teleportation, he could effectively in two places at once.↩
Presuming there are no fires in the hospital.↩
“Joked.”↩
Besides Ogilvie, and even he’s grown on me.↩
It’s such a potent show that when I was having health problems last year, I kept comparing — in my head and out loud at times — what I was going through to what I saw in the show. It was pretty much exactly like what happens in the show!↩
Could you imagine if you had to go to the ER and Omega Red was your doctor?↩
This is no slander to Ben Grimm but being an ER doctor requires a significant level of dexterity which he does not have due to his literally rocky nature.↩
Beyond the fact that his power is to burn oxygenated blood, which is not great for a doctor, his whole vibe is off-putting. That said, I do like the idea of him introducing himself as Dr. The X-Treme.↩
This might seem like an odd pick, but he’s bit of a selfish buffoon. I also feel like he’d cause problems with the other doctors.↩
He’d have the same problem he has in his comic in that he has everything he needs to be great, it’s just he just doesn’t care, which would be a real challenge for a doctor.↩
This was a name thrown in by Brad Gullickson from Comic Book Couples Counseling Podcast. He’s a tough one because Popeye is generally good natured, but he’s also a bit of a moron and has no clear gifts that would make him a fit. I bet he’d be fun when the staff decides to bet on something though.↩
While the Daywalker would theoretically be a better fit because he could work any shift, I just don’t think he’d care enough and he’d probably tell his coworkers who make mistakes things like, “Motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill,” which is bad for morale.↩