The Bodyguard Exercise
Which superhero - or villain - would be the best at protecting you if you were in a coma in a hospital? Let's figure that out.
One of my favorite superhero concepts is, perhaps strangely to you, the idea of superheroes doing ordinary things. Isn’t that the antithesis of their appeal? Not for me. There’s a reason my theme sketchbook for conventions is built off that very idea, whether it’s WildC.A.T.S. characters grocery shopping together or Storm shredding on a guitar. There’s just something inherently entertaining to me about those ideas, but also charming, as they’re probably things those individuals could do, we just don’t get to see them do it because, you know, superheroics.
All of this is why a July Mailbag question from a reader named Andrew Tan appealed to me so much. It blended two of my favorites concepts together – the aforementioned doing of ordinary things with outside-the-box hypotheticals – into one glorious mash-up. Here’s that question:
If you were in a coma at a hospital, which superhero (or supervillain, in case your choice is Stilt-Man) would you want to guard your body?
Now, I very briefly addressed it in the Mailbag, but as noted in there, I wanted to go into it a bit more because I love the idea. It pairs a theoretically ordinary situation – me being in a coma in the hospital – with a situation superheroes should excel at. But would they?
To figure that out, I’m going to build out the scenario a bit, with conditions applying aplenty. First, for the purposes of this thought exercise, unidentified ninjas – a lot of them – will be the force that’s coming to dispatch me. Second, only characters from superhero comics could be considered, as the scenario fits them better. Third, the general objective will require said protector to defend me within the hospital room. No taking the fight to the parking lot. It’s all inside. Fourth, I’m going to make the unilateral decision that this is an evening long siege to make it a realistic amount of time for the heroes or villains to spend with me, which apparently means I would be in a very brief coma. So the parameters are, which superhero comic characters would be best at protecting me, an individual in a coma, over one eight hour stretch in a single hospital room.
That brings up a quick point I want to make: in reality, every single superhero or villain should crush at this task. However, the difficulty lies within who they are. Some would scuffle at this exercise because of varying quirks – or essential ingredients! – of their character. Eight hours is an eternity if you’re a paragon-type character. Is one person’s life worth the cost of others around the world? That’s a question many would be asking themselves.
Let’s consider those questions below, as I break varying superheroes and supervillains into one of three tiers, finding the place they best fit in my personal “I want this person to protect me” power rankings.
Tier III. The Eternal Sleep Awaits
I hate to break it to you, but if someone from this group is protecting you, you’re probably not going to make it. The reasons differ but the results stay the same, unfortunately.
Examples from this tier: Boomerang, Grizzly, Armadillo, honestly really anyone who is a regular at The Bar With No Name, 43 Galactus, 44 Anti-Monitor, 45 Fin Fang Foom, 46 Damian Wayne, 47 Elektra (usual version), 48 Apocalypse, 49 Darkseid, 50 Constantine, 51 Mr. Fantastic, 52 Omni-Man, 53 Booster Gold, 54 Ted Kord/Blue Beetle, 55 each of The Flash’s Rogues (besides one), 56 Guy Gardner, 57 Bizarro, 58 anyone with fire powers, 59 The Hulk 60
“Best” in Class: Stilt-Man
I believe my guy Stilt-Man – a king of kings, truly – is capable of anything.
Anything.
That said, he’s the prototypical example of someone that’s, again, capable of anything, but situationally not the right fit. Just think about it. What’s his greatest strength? He can get super tall. What’s not that useful when you’re trying to protect an individual in an ordinary sized hospital room? Getting super tall. At that point, he’s basically just a dude with dumb looking armor on, which I suppose he was to begin with.
While I’m sure he could sit on a chair and telescope his legs over and over at the entrance to ward off legions of ninjas, 61 Stilt-Man would probably recognize the futility of the situation, weigh the value of the job, and head off to join his fellow Tier III-ers at The Bar with No Name. That’s good news for the prospects of his nightlife, but bad news for the long-term prospects of one David Harper.
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The crew that goes there on the regular are, generally speaking, your base level mercenaries and villains, the ones who are in the game for money and are probably not going to care about protecting some person in a coma. Unless you are super rich, I suppose, which I am not!↩
Consuming the Earth to take out the ninjas still results in your death.↩
Not exactly someone who cares a lot about sustaining life.↩
I suppose he could put you in his pants and that would protect you, but would living be worth it at that point?↩
I say this with respect to Damian, but he would 100% not care about you, even though he would care about fighting ninjas.↩
If the ninjas were The Hand, you’d be fine, probably. But Elektra doesn’t exactly value life in a “I’m going to protect some dude in a coma” sort of way.↩
A “Survival of the Fittest” mentality would not lead to rewarding those who ended up in a coma.↩
He doesn’t have a real reason to not help, but he doesn’t have a real reason to help either.↩
My guy Johnny sells out important people for the greater good on the regular. It would not take much to incentivize him to not protect me.↩
He’d get an idea for, I don’t know, a more efficient ventilator and would disappear to his lab to create it instead of protecting me.↩
Makes Apocalypse seem empathetic when it comes to humanity.↩
Absolutely could protect you, but if his agent called with a sponsorship opportunity, you would be dead in a hot minute.↩
Ted would try to protect you, but he’s just a guy, and this would be a lot of ninjas.↩
Pick your poison for the reason they’d be bad at saving you. Bad power fits. A lack of mirrors. Not enough motivation to protect you. Their favorite TV show happens to be on. Whatever. You dead.↩
A rageaholic who gets distracted easily would definitely let some ninjas slip through.↩
Would misunderstand the objective and would kill me before the ninjas do. Well, unless you tell him to not protect you, but that’s not what the task calls for.↩
In theory, they could protect you from ninjas fairly easily. In execution, they’d light the hospital on fire and you would have…other problems.↩
*insert guy tapping the side of his head meme* You can’t protect someone in a hospital if there’s no hospital.↩
Ignoring the fact they would absolutely try to come through the windows as well.↩
Absolutely capable of protecting you, and honestly probably would, but his deep self-interest might result in Tony taking a break to do something else when he should be watching over you.↩
Easily could be argued as Tier I, but crime never sleeps, so Batman never sits still.↩
I don’t trust Superman in any situation that requires him to outweigh a single life over the many. He would definitely fly off on the regular to save a crashing airplane or stop Mongul or something. That’s a feature, not a bug, unless you are the single life.↩
Telepathy would be an extremely valuable power here, but it requires a selfless mindset and approach. I’m skeptical of Emma here for that reason, even though it should be easy street.↩
While I trust The Thing more than the Hulk, same rules apply here.↩
Skilled at fighting ninjas. Skilled at protecting people. Not so skilled at staying focused unless it’s part of their current plan.↩
He is the law, and he is incredibly effective at what he does. However, there is a LOT of crime and it could draw his attention away.↩
Same note about Superman applies here.↩
Let’s be real, Hal’s a bit of a selfish jerk. I don’t trust him.↩
One fire and you’re unprotected. Ninjas are fire capable!↩
With proper motivation, there’s no one I would trust more. His power set is through the roof and incredibly varied. The tricky thing is finding proper motivation. As per usual, the key is to suggest Reed Richards would be better at said task, which, in this case, he absolutely would be.↩
Ikaris protecting a single human incredibly well is legitimately a plot in the current Eternals book. He’s locked in. Note: My shop was shorted Eternals #6, so if something changed in this situation where said character died, we drop Ikaris to Tier II.↩
Telepathy and telekinesis really is the one two punch of dominating this scenario. Jean Grey would be OP here.↩
Ninjas are a problem, unless you can control them with your brain and just send them away. Of course, psychics have a tendency of being…uhhh…unethical. So some standards are necessary.↩
Whether you’re talking Thor or Valkyrie style, the combination of a) being a superhero and b) a medical professional would be tremendously valuable.↩
Atom Eve is both extremely powerful and has a power set that would be perfect for protecting someone.↩
When you can be everywhere at the same time effectively, protecting a single motionless individual would be easy street.↩
Bizarrely, when I envisioned Mister Terrific’s defense of you, I imagined the totality of his time at the hospital being spent in a chair next to you reading a book as his T-Spheres and genius planning successfully defeats everyone via an elaborate and deadly Home Alone style plan.↩
ON EROM SAJNIN.↩
Unlike his fellow Rogues, Captain Cold could just freeze every entrance and ninjas wouldn’t be able to get through for that eight hour window. That’s useful!↩
The only Big Four 2814 Lanterns I’d trust for the job.↩
The most loyal Superman affiliated character wouldn’t just save your life from a clan of ninjas, he’d be there to lick your face when you wake up. That’s a big, big win.↩
Nothing but respect for my Blue Beetle.↩
The crew that goes there on the regular are, generally speaking, your base level mercenaries and villains, the ones who are in the game for money and are probably not going to care about protecting some person in a coma. Unless you are super rich, I suppose, which I am not!↩
Consuming the Earth to take out the ninjas still results in your death.↩
Not exactly someone who cares a lot about sustaining life.↩
I suppose he could put you in his pants and that would protect you, but would living be worth it at that point?↩
I say this with respect to Damian, but he would 100% not care about you, even though he would care about fighting ninjas.↩
If the ninjas were The Hand, you’d be fine, probably. But Elektra doesn’t exactly value life in a “I’m going to protect some dude in a coma” sort of way.↩
A “Survival of the Fittest” mentality would not lead to rewarding those who ended up in a coma.↩
He doesn’t have a real reason to not help, but he doesn’t have a real reason to help either.↩
My guy Johnny sells out important people for the greater good on the regular. It would not take much to incentivize him to not protect me.↩
He’d get an idea for, I don’t know, a more efficient ventilator and would disappear to his lab to create it instead of protecting me.↩
Makes Apocalypse seem empathetic when it comes to humanity.↩
Absolutely could protect you, but if his agent called with a sponsorship opportunity, you would be dead in a hot minute.↩
Ted would try to protect you, but he’s just a guy, and this would be a lot of ninjas.↩
Pick your poison for the reason they’d be bad at saving you. Bad power fits. A lack of mirrors. Not enough motivation to protect you. Their favorite TV show happens to be on. Whatever. You dead.↩
A rageaholic who gets distracted easily would definitely let some ninjas slip through.↩
Would misunderstand the objective and would kill me before the ninjas do. Well, unless you tell him to not protect you, but that’s not what the task calls for.↩
In theory, they could protect you from ninjas fairly easily. In execution, they’d light the hospital on fire and you would have…other problems.↩
*insert guy tapping the side of his head meme* You can’t protect someone in a hospital if there’s no hospital.↩
Ignoring the fact they would absolutely try to come through the windows as well.↩