This article was written for SKTCHD ZINE, the zine I created for NYCC 2023. If you picked up a copy of that zine, then you’ve already had the chance to read this. For the rest of you, I thought it was time to debut this piece on SKTCHD itself, as the NBA playoffs starts this week, and is there really a better time to publish an article that mashes up pro hoops with comics than that? I think not. That said, if you enjoy this, maybe consider ordering a copy of SKTCHD ZINE itself, as it’s once again available — but for a limited time only.

The year is 2024, and something inexplicable has happened: mutants are real.

More specifically, all the actual, fictional X-Men are real, and their arrival has thrown the world into disarray. Economies are in turmoil. Artificial Intelligence is taking over. Billionaires are acting erratically. Okay, those three things are pretty typical, but there’s one very specific thing that isn’t. When they arrived, these superpowered titans were asked what they wanted. Were they going to form their own island country? Focus on world domination? Or were they benevolent near gods, wanting to protect humanity from itself despite the hatred that quickly develops towards them?

Absolutely not.

They’re here to hoop.

It turns out that not only are mutants real, but they love basketball — even Wolverine. That’s why the one very specific thing that isn’t typical in this future is the state of the National Basketball Association. With this surge in superpowered talent — which is important to note because there is nothing in the rulebook or the NBA’s collective bargaining agreement that disallows the use of superpowers on the court, at least for now — and each of the mutant’s single-minded determination to become the next LeBron James, the league had its most transformative draft class and free agency period ever in the summer of 2024. For the mutants themselves, this is a dream come true, one they never knew they had until this article was written.

This would fundamentally break the league, of course. What hope does a superstar like Joel Embiid have against an Omega-level mutant, let alone a role player like Gary Payton II or Mason Plumlee. Because there are millions of mutants, it would quickly result in a league that’s heavily comprised of them, even if some powers are not exactly useful. That alone would lead to the NBA facing a reckoning, one in which scouts aren’t just looking for basketball IQ or impeccable measurables, but power sets that would be useful on the court. One can debate whether that would be an ideal result for the sport — I suppose it depends on how much you enjoy full court fastball specials in which Colossus launches Wolverine for an alley oop instead of the ball — but it would certainly change it.

That’s what would happen, so the question becomes, how would the varying mutants rate in the league if they could use their powers? That’s a good one, and one we’re going to answer. But before we do that, let’s share some baseline assumptions and insights about this hypothetical reality we’ve laid out.

• In this scenario, all mutants love basketball. They don’t live and breathe it like Michael Jordan, but they love it like J.R. Smith does, where it’s a ton of fun and they absolutely want to make a living doing it for as long as they can
• Personalities matter. While everyone loves basketball, some will still be petty babies about all this and will prove to be toxic teammates
• While powers are allowed, they can only be used in a basketball capacity that positively impacts a player’s own team while you’re in the game. So, no, Professor X, you cannot mindwipe the Chicago Bulls because they are beating you
• Flying and teleportation is not traveling, unless more than two steps and a gather are taken in the process
• Harming any part of the court of play results in an automatic double technical and ejection, as would negatively impacting its surface (i.e. covering it in ice or rain)
• You are only allowed to wear standard issue basketball gear. Jordan Brand shoes, yes. Containment suits, no.
• No matter what, the game must follow the standard rules of play, including a maximum of five-on-five play and the steady progression of time. Apologies to Multiple Man and Tempo

That’s it. Let’s get to scouting, shall we?

Tier V: G Leaguers or Worse

Whether it’s because their powers just don’t match the sport or they have underlying reasons for not being league material, these mutants just aren’t cut out for the NBA.

Examples from this tier: Wolverine (Logan); Professor X; Emma Frost; really any plain old telepath; Jumbo Carnation; Sabretooth; 12 Iceman; Magneto; Vulcan; Havok; Jubilee; Pyro; Krakoa 13 Trevor Fitzroy

Best in Class: Fabian Cortez

Player Comparison: Grayson Allen

The first mutant that would be out of league consideration would be Fabian Cortez. It would be almost immediate. There are any number of reasons why this might happen. He is legitimately a terrible person, and one that would destroy a team’s culture. His powerset, which allows him to either enhance or diminish abilities, is theoretically useful. But it harms the individual he uses it on — down to the molecular level! — so unless you want your entire roster to be devastated husks, it’s not great, and he cannot use it on opponents. He couldn’t play on a team with normal humans because the guy is virulently hateful. Cortez is also terribly elitist, so he’d probably keep insisting to teammates that Australian rules football or cricket are better sports just to mess with them.

Feel free to take your pick as to why Cortez is a no go.

Really the only thing he has going for him is he’s tall and athletic. Did you know Cortez is 6’5”?! But in a league filled with giants and ultrapowered beings, what use is being the height of your average human two guard? There’s just not a lot of upside here. Plus, as soon as he was sent to the G League, he’d quit anyways because he’s a huge baby.

Tier IV: Benchwarmers

Maybe they’re solid hoopers. Maybe they have powersets that complement the rest well. Maybe they just have good vibes. Whatever the reason, these folks make it. They just never become more than emergency players.

Examples from this tier: Bishop; Wolverine (Laura Kinney); Talon; Stryfe; Blob; Storm; Mastermind; Lady Mastermind; Sebastian Shaw; 14 Cypher; Elixir 15

Best in Class: Cable (classic version)

Player Comparison: George Mikan (but in 2025)

If you’ve ever played pickup hoops, you’ve played against someone like Cable. The old guy whose gruff demeanor hides an operator when he has the ball in his hands. Someone whose game is built around craftiness, pivoting, and elbows that are stunningly sharp. You square up on them to defend and next thing you know you’re getting blown by, despite the fact it seems like they move in slow motion. They put up shots from angles that seem ill-advised, at best, but they always work because they put “english” on it. Throw in some telekinesis and his tactical brain on top of all that and Cable’s an interesting player.

The problem of course is a) he’s a senior citizen and b) this is an elite level of competition. Having a robust bag of tricks thanks to your old man game might deliver when you’re at the local YMCA. But when you’re trying to back Apocalypse down in the post or avoid LeBron James going for the chase down block as you try to score on a fast break, it’s probably not ideal.

Plus, I don’t think any NBA coach wants to deal with sorting out a “DNP-Techno-Organic Virus.” What do you even do that? That seems like a problem, and not in the cool way NBA fans use that phrase.